I missed your call, seeing as how I don’t possess a phone. Here I am sitting alone desperately in need of some type of human contact. I beg the mystic masters and gods to send a buddy my way.

Just so there is an understanding, I want you to know that it’s around midnight and I probably won’t post this until tomorrow when I can hit up the coffee shop for a few minutes to be able to check my shit and post this blog entry. So it’s possible that by then some of what I have to say RIGHT NOW won’t make sense.

What do people do without the internet? I seriously forgot how it is to live without consistently answering instant messages and emails 24/7. What the hell should I be doing? Writing a book? Probably.

Do you constantly question the motives of the people around you? I do. I am constantly suspicious of other people, as well as myself. I have a theory that there are really no “good” people in this world. I am pretty sure everything that anyone does is really all for themselves in one way or another. You just can’t convince me that there is such a thing as an “innocent action” or a “selfless person”.

Even when folks are into philanthropic causes, it’s really just all about making themselves feel worthwhile. Sure someone else may be benefiting in the process, but you can’t deny that doing deeds for others gives you a good feeling inside. Is the good feeling from the actual act of aiding someone other than yourself, or is it something else? Most people who volunteer do so because they have to for one reason or another… Because it looks good on various applications, because it’s a good way to socialize and meet new people with similar interests, or in some cases it gives you a chance to do something you enjoy otherwise and you want to share this hobby (or whatever) with others.

That’s kind of a random tangent I wasn’t planning on exploring as my interest is more in deviant ulterior motives. I am constantly battling myself over whether I believe its really possible to care for anyone outside of yourself so I wanted to present this idea publicly and get feedback on why or why you don’t believe in selflessness. So let’s hear it.

On another completely unrelated note I Haven’t had sex or masturbated in a fucking while and I am about to bust up out of my pants and just start humping someone or something. I am even starting to have weird disturbing sexual dreams. Last night I dreamed about a group young teen girls having a sleepover and taking a warm bubble bath together and drying off each other with their tongues. Um yeah, case and point.

So it’s now noon of the next day. I successfully commanded myself to sleep the lonely night away, and no one came to wake me from that slumber. I’m sure I could have so many friends made out there somewhere but I made this bed for myself now I must sleep in it. You attract more flies with honey, or something like that. Last night I actually walked my dog up and down second street hoping to be able to flag down someone to hang out with, but to no avail. What a desperate move on my part. I am sure I will feel differently once I get the internet installed.

There is a bird right outside my window puffing his chest and ruffling the feathers on the back on his neck. Doesn’t that mean he’s trying to attract a mate? I haven’t watch animal planet in a long time so I forget how those things work.

Like I said in my last post, I kind of want a roommate. More now because this loneliness has really started killing me a little. But I want the person to be a girl and extremely open-minded. I was thinking to ask Anitra. I already asked Leslie, but you know she’s in fucking S T L. (Bitches.) I mean I guess with a roommate there would have to be some rules put in effect, but I could sit down with whoever and decide on those before they even move in. I do like my privacy though… Being able to rock out to loud ass music at 5am is almost a dire necessity.

Now onto more shallow topics… I really want to lose ten more pounds. I realize that in the last year I have lost about 20 pounds somehow without trying very hard, but I still feel really uncomfortable in my own skin and I think I could still stand to feel better. Yes I went from a size 10 to a size 3, which is pretty awesome and I honestly don’t want to be like a size 0 or anything weird like that. (Not that I consider people that size to be “weird”. It’s just that me being that size would be pretty darn weird.)

Also another weird thing about me losing the weight is that I have lost it all since retiring from stripping, which I used to think actually kept me slimmer than I would be without all the physicality of performing on stage on a regular basis. Beyond that amazing fact, my boobs have actually gotten BIGGER through out this whole fucking process. Maybe my body is just maturing? I’m turning into a real woman!

Anyways, I am about 125 lbs now and I would like to get down to 115 like I was in high school. I see how that might be construed as quite unrealistic considering I am not 16 anymore, but I think it’s a goal I can reach. Honestly I don’t know how to lose weight other than starving myself, though. So we’ll see what this turns into.

I have been fantasizing about going back to beauty school. It’s something I have always wanted to do and I loved it when I was there but there were a lot of shitty things going on at the time with Jay and us trying to make our relationship work after it had obviously fell the hell apart. There was also that brief stint with me being addicted to a lousy life altering drug and drinking way too much. However at this point in my life I am much more settled and ready to jump in head first to this field of study. I already possess extensive knowledge on make-up artistry and have a solid base in hair color technique. My main area that needs work is (hair) cutting as I feel fairly confident with styling as well.

There is a new cosmetology school in town that is affiliated with Redken that I really want to finish my education at. I just recently found out my godmother moved back to town after living in Louisiana for like 20 years married to a dude that I didn’t like. She just got a divorce and now that she is back she is pursuing a cosmetology career by going to school there and so if I went there it would be pretty awesome to know she is there too. Because the school is new in town and there are already two schools that are established in this area the school is offering a discount where you can go to school and complete the entire program for 2000 bucks rather than the 5000 that most schools charge in the area. So considering that isn’t very much I am going to start a collection fund to raise enough money to go there.

I was thinking that for donations depending on the amount people donate I could make them fan pictures by like writing their name on me somewhere and uh taking a picture for them. Nude if it’s a high enough donation. Then for more generous folks I could send them like some of my signed undies or photos. I could also give passes away to my site for week, month, 6month to year increments. If anyone has an idea of something I could offer to my girls out there that donate, please let me know.

This summer I have been talking to a few people about getting a little bike gang together. And when I say bike I mean bicycles, not motorcycles or crotch rockets or anything of that sort. Basically the objective would be to ride around and take over the downtown area with a vengeance. I am pretty much against hammerheads and want to destroy that place’s business so I figure why not take the gang on the road instead of standing around looking dumb at that lousy ass place.

Seriously if you know anything about hammerheads, then you know it’s a corrupt shit hole of a bar that everyone flocks to that are into similar shit and in their 20’s. There are really no other “underground” friendly spots to chill at seeing as how my town is the “bro dude” capital of the world. You know the types with the fucking flip flops and the mass produced faux “vintage” Abercrombie polo shirts with the popped collar. I generally do not like these guys and they generally hate me as well.

Lastly I wanted to announce that I am going to start reading tarot for the public. This is something I have wanted to do for a long time and when I was recently brainstorming on how I was going to pay my rent this month with the delay on having the internet to do shows with, I came to the conclusion it was time to share my gift with the world.

I had planned on charging 40 bucks for an hour long tarot reading and 20 for a half an hour palm reading but then I got to thinking I should offer a discount to people I haven’t read for before so they can test the waters and know they are getting a solid bang for there hard earned bucks. So I decided I would offer the palm reading with the tarot reading for free for first timers, so it would end up being maybe an hour and 15 minutes to a half an hour for 40 rather than 60. To those that are interested just contact me and we will see how we can work out an appointment for you to come to my house or meet somewhere if you prefer. I am really stoked on this.